So, today was one of those days where John and I had one of our talks.  Of course it wasn't much fun, and it just makes me sad to realize that sometimes I don't have the passion for something.  Is it fear in me that makes me unable to attach myself to something? I mean I do write in here, but it isn't religious and noteworthy.  It's frustrating when he feels this way and then we fight about it, bicker about it and then it all falls back to square one.  I know that we are compatible, and I know that we can work but this one argument that we get into can cause a big rift between us that I struggle to close in on.

Don't get me wrong, he knows that I'm not some perfect Stepford wife and nor does he want me to be.  He just wants me to push him to the extreme and be the best person that he is and I regret thoroughly that I don't do it hard enough.  He and I just don't want to be the typical mediocre Americans that live off paycheck to paycheck, get gluttonous and obese, be miserable with our jobs and families.  That is not a possibility for us, that is definitely something that we don't want to have but sometimes we fall into that cycle and it is usually him that pushes us out of it.

So what am I to do? What can I do? I know I'm not average and I know that I can be better than most but what makes it that I can't go and clean up the apartment right? Or what makes it that I can't go to the gym at least three times a week? What is it in my brain that makes me think that this lifestyle is ok? It is truly agitating and I get infuriated with myself because now he think that I offer lip service and that I will never push myself to be better than what I am.  I think that is probably what hurts the most, but to tell you the truth, I can't blame him for thinking that way because it was me that said it, it was me that told him "no, no, no, believe me this time, I promise it'll happen" and somehow I fall off track and we go back to it.

No more lip service, no more feeble excuses of me being lazy.  I know that saying this to him won't make too much of a difference but writing this is something for me and something I can do to remind myself that life gives you one shot, so don't screw it up.